Mother Daughter Battles Over Mr. Wrong — Create a Healthy Model
Dating is difficult at best. Finding a great companion is no easy task. Mothers and daughters who are close tend to discuss relationships. Communication is great. But what often transpires is sometimes more frustrating and destructive than harmonious and helpful. No one is to blame!
Old habits die hard, and past relationships tend to rekindle, carrying with them lots of baggage and trash that calls for a reassuring talk with Mom.
Often, it’s a daughter turning to her mother for advice when her feelings are ambivalent, even knowing — albeit subconsciously — the suggestions won’t be liked or taken. Sometimes it’s looking for approval or to relieve guilt.
Spiraling out of control might be an apt way to discuss common mother/daughter interactions in this scenario. Let’s talk about defusing and helping prevent these emotionally draining interactions.
If you share a history of ‘battling’ over dating choices, now’s a good time to be mindful and determine how to achieve a more positive outcome.
We’ll begin with a Mind Acrobatics exercise to help you set boundaries that will minimize stress and champion positive interaction.
Exercise: “What I’m Really Willing To Hear & Accept”
*Special Instructions: For this exercise you may choose whether or not to write down what comes to mind. The key is about raising awareness.
- Spend a few minutes slowly breathing in and out.
- Recall positive moments you’ve both shared over the years.
- Begin writing about great dates your daughter has discussed.
- Relive the good feelings when your daughter has been happy.
- Move on to negative relationships.
- How did your daughter feel? What was the impact on you?
- Perhaps you said some things that seemed to help. Recall them.
- What utterances if any triggered anger and resentment?
- On a scale of 0–10 how stressful were the discussions?
- Did they ultimately end positively?
The questions above may seem very basic. They are. However as parents we don’t tend to think ahead of time and craft our initial responses to difficult scenarios. The reality is that we most often act on emotion. Our first reaction is the desire to protect our child. If we feel they are in a destructive relationship, we want to shield them. Often with a negative knee-jerk angry reply despite meaning to be helpful.
It’s very important to understand what your daughter is experiencing in the moment and how you can be of most assistance.
The key to establishing and maintaining a healthy dating communication relationship with your daughter is determining in advance what you will and will not accept, what you can or can’t deal with and the level of autonomy you are able to grant her.
The key is that you have created an effective communication protocol for interaction with your daughter. You have built a sturdy relationship. If the need arises tell it as you see it and say exactly what you think. It will be far more effective when you have a history of respectful and empowering interaction.
This article is based upon years of coaching moms and daughters. No two families or situations are the same. However open communication, respect for one another and empowerment are universals that contribute to the healthiest family relationships.
I welcome your comments and thanks for reading this article.
Photo Courtesy: https://www.pexels.com/@shvetsa
Originally Published https://www.huffpost.com/author/david-kanegis
